The Aunt May Situation
by Juliabohemian
Summary: Scott and Loki eat Aunt May's cookies. Not a metaphor, unfortunately.


_Yes, Scott Lang and Peter Parker and Loki are still hanging out together. It's fiction. Don't question it._

* * *

 **The Aunt May Situation**

Peter entered the kitchen, where he had left the other two standing just moments before. He'd intended it purely as a brief detour, a quick jog in and out of his apartment to retrieve a few pieces of exotic technology that he'd been hiding under his bed. And it seemed -at first- that it was going to be exactly that.

Peter surveyed the status of baked goods that his aunt had laid out on the dining room table, earlier that afternoon. He immediately felt himself panic.

"Oh…please tell me you did not eat any of the cookies that were on that plate."

"We _totally_ ate cookies off that plate," Scott returned, not realizing that Peter's statement wasn't meant in jest. "Why...were we not supposed to?"

"Those were for my aunt's high school reunion."

A genuinely polite man, Scott was naturally apologetic.

"Uh…shit, kid…I'm sorry. We thought you left them out for us."

"Why would I do that?" Peter demanded, frantically. "You were both with me all day. When would I have baked you cookies? Have you ever _seen_ me bake cookies?"

"Dude, calm down. It's no big deal. We can get you more cookies."

"Not like these ones."

"Wait…what's so special about these cookies?"

Peter lifted the pink cellophane wrap off of the large plate and groaned.

"Oh my _God_ …there are a bunch missing. How many did you guys eat?"

"Uh, I think I had like three…and Loki had like..."

"Three," Loki confirmed, making no effort to conceal his boredom.

"You know what?" Scott offered, excitedly. "I bet she used butter instead of margarine. Whenever my mom did that, the cookies always tasted better."

Loki rocked back and forth on his feet. It was clear that he was barely interested in what was happening.

"Fascinating, I'm sure," he mumbled, staring at the floor.

Peter continued to pace, nervously.

"Oh my God…"

"They're just cookies," Scott pointed out. "What is the big deal?"

"No, they're not _just cookies_ ," Peter said. "They have marijuana baked into them."

Scott looked surprised, but not terribly upset.

"Huh…well, that explains why my mouth is so dry…and why it sounds like you're talking into a bucket. I thought maybe I was just having side effects from the suit."

Loki finally looked up from the floor.

"Excuse me, what is _marijuana_?" He asked.

"It's a plant-based, recreational drug," Scott explained. "It used to be illegal, but now it's…well it's still sort of illegal in some places…it's complicated."

"Interesting," Loki replied. "Well, I don't feel any different."

"Give it a few minutes. It'll probably take longer for you…being a god and all."

"She's totally going to think it was me," Peter declared, to no one in particular.

Scott shrugged.

"So just tell her it was us."

"Neither of you are supposed to be here! She doesn't even know that _you_ exist, and she thinks Loki is my physics tutor."

Scott glanced at Loki and then back at Peter.

" _Seriously?_ "

"I think she only bought into that because he has a cool accent and long hair and he totally flirted with her for like twenty minutes…"

Loki appeared mildly irritated by the notion that his manner of speaking was in any way out of the ordinary.

"I don't have an _accent_ …and who the hell lays sundries out on a table and expects people not to consume them?"

"The man has a point," Scott added. He turned to Loki. "You do totally have an accent, though."

Loki rolled his eyes.

"Whatever you say… _dude_."

"Oh man, I am so screwed. She'll be back any minute. She just went to pick up her dress at the dry-cleaner's."

"She's not going to notice six missing cookies," Scott assured. "There are a bunch left. Just…rearrange them a little. I used to do it all the time, when I was a kid."

"You don't know my aunt. She probably knows how many there are. She probably baked an _exact_ amount for her friends."

It was obvious that Loki had already become tired of the situation and was eager to resolve it, so they could move on.

"Well…I can cast a spell that will make it look like there are more cookies," he offered, "but it will probably wear off before she arrives at her destination."

"Wow, you really think that would work?" Scott asked.

"I've never actually done it with cookies, so I honestly don't know."

"What have you done it with?"

"Myself, mostly."

Scott frowned.

"Wait…you multiplied yourself? Why would you do that?"

Loki appeared confused by the other man's question.

"Why _wouldn't_ I do that?"

Peter clutched his head in mock agony.

"Oh my God. This is not happening."

"Look…just have Loki sweet talk her. He can flip his hair around and use his cool accent. It'll be fine."

"Yes, I'll tell my aunt that my physics tutor ate six of her pot cookies. That's perfectly reasonable."

"Well, what are you getting in physics?"

"A ninety-seven."

"Then why do you need a tutor?"

"I _don't!_ " Peter yelled.

Scott held up his hands in a defensive gesture.

"Hey…you don't have to raise your voice. This is not _that_ bad. We've solved way bigger problems than this…right guys?"

Loki got a far away look in his eyes.

"You know...this reminds me of the time when Thor and I were children, and he insisted that we practice sword fighting on horseback…and the horses got spooked and threw us off and ran into the forest."

"How did you fix that?" Scott pried, hopefully.

"Oh, I didn't," Loki replied. "It took the guards days to find the horses and Thor and I were both severely disciplined."

Scott glanced at Peter, who looked absolutely terrified.

"Yeah…that's not really a good story for this situation," he advised.

Loki nodded.

"It sounded way better in my head."

"I'm doomed!" Peter exclaimed.

Loki issued a polite tilt of his head and began heading for the door.

"Well, it was nice knowing you. Please, give your aunt my best."

Peter gaped back at him.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me."

"Hey, we are _not_ abandoning him with this," Scott interjected. "This is our fault and we're going to help him deal with it."

Loki regarded the other man's chivalrousness with amusement.

"Oh...and what exactly are you suggesting?"

"We'll do the right thing. We'll just wait until she gets back, and we'll explain ourselves."

Peter groaned.

"Ugh…no. That is not the right thing. That is the _wrong_ thing."

"What is it that you think she's going to do to you, if she finds out?" Loki inquired, curiously.

"She'll _kill_ me."

Loki's words were dripping with sarcasm.

"She will literally _deprive_ you of life."

"Well, no…not _literally_ …"

"Is she going to beat you or imprison you?" He asked.

Peter reacted to the suggestion with a horrified expression.

" _What?_ No!"

"Then what is it that you're so afraid of?"

"She's not going to trust me anymore," Peter explained.

Loki chuckled.

"Right…because you've never lied to her about anything, before now. There are several hundred videos on the Internet that suggest otherwise, _Friendly, Neighborhood Spider Man_."

"No, I _have_ lied to her…and she found out about it. _That's_ the point."

"So…you're concerned that her suspicion that you're not trustworthy, which you clearly aren't, will be further reinforced if she discovers that she is missing six cookies."

Peter was insulted by the other man's casual assassination of his character.

"I am _too_ trustworthy."

"Hmm...if that were true," Loki pointed out, "we would probably not be standing here in your kitchen."

"Look…there are just some things I can't tell her, okay?"

"Why can't this be one of those things?"

"Because this is different," Peter insisted.

"Earth parents get really bent out of shape over shit like this," Scott said. "My parents caught me smoking pot when I was about his age. It didn't turn out well."

Loki turned to face him.

"Did they beat you or imprison you?"

Scott shook his head at the other man's comment.

"Okay, either your childhood was _really_ terrible, or you have a really unhealthy imagination."

"Why can't it be both?" Loki asked.

"We could always go to a dispensary," Scott proposed. "There's got to be one around that sells cookies."

"They won't be _her_ cookies, though. She will notice."

By this time, Loki had pretty much had his fill of the situation.

"I can't believe we are still arguing about this. This is utterly ridiculous. Is this not even something that…okay _now_ my mouth is dry."

Scott chuckled.

"See? I _told_ you."

"It's like I'm chewing on cotton."

"It's weird, right?"

"And people do this for recreation?"

"All the time."

"I fail to see the attraction."

"It would be better if we had music," Scott offered. "I prefer progressive rock, personally."

"Really...that enhances the experience?"

"Uh… _hello!_ " Peter yelled, smacking his hand on the dining table.

"Look," Scott suggested, "why don't we just tell her that we didn't know the cookies were laced with drugs until after we'd eaten them?"

"She's never going to believe that."

"But that's the truth…that's actually what happened."

"Indeed," Loki agreed. "There's no way I would do this on purpose."

"She's already bent out of shape over the whole…Stark internship thing."

"Why are you still calling it that?" Scott asked. "She's obviously knows that you're Spider Man. Surely she realizes that a guy like Spider Man might have…unusual coworkers."

Peter pointed at them, indignantly.

"You are _not_ my coworkers. You are two very weird men, who I'm starting to wish I'd never met."

Scott clutched his hands to his chest. "Ouch."

"It's fine," Loki said, tossing his hand. "I'm used to it. I tend to have that effect on people, sooner or later."

"Well, I don't. People like me, generally speaking. I'm fun and nice."

"You're both stoned in my aunt's kitchen!" Peter bellowed.

"Hey, it's not like we did it on purpose!" Scott shouted back. "You drugged us!"

"How much time do we have, before she gets back?" Loki asked.

"Like ten minutes, maybe," Peter replied. "She might have stopped at the drug store to get makeup or something."

"Why don't we just leave and you can pretend that you have no idea that there are any cookies missing?" Scott asked.

"Your solution is to do nothing," Peter stated, flatly. "That is not a solution. That's like...the opposite of a solution."

Loki sighed.

"Lying to your parents is a time honored tradition, Peter. It's time you crossed the threshold."

"I'm going to have to side with Loki on this one," Scott added. "Some things, parents just don't need to know. That includes aunts."

"Mmm...you know what sounds really good right know?" Loki inquired, suddenly.

"What?" Scott replied.

"Venison."

Scott looked confused.

"Venison...what is that, deer meat?"

"You think it would be hard to find some around here?" Loki asked.

"I kind of want a burger," Scott confided, "with bacon and mushrooms and Swiss cheese...and those really thick, steak fries..."

"You have deer here in New York," Loki continued. "I bet I could kill one and cook it..."

"Fine, you win," Peter muttered. "I won't mention the cookies to my aunt. I'll just wait for her to figure it out and then later, when I'm grounded forever, you guys can fight Thanos yourselves..."

"Do either of you have a baseball bat?" Loki queried.

Peter ignored the question. He held up the device he'd retrieved from his bedroom and waved it in their faces. "Hey...did you forget why we're here? We have to get this stuff back to Mr. Stark."

"Yeah, well...that was before you drugged us," Scott countered, flippantly. "Now I'm craving beef and potatoes and Loki wants to kill Bambi."

"He's not even allowed to have a gun," Peter said. "So, good luck with that."

Loki scoffed. "Who needs a gun? I could do it with a bow and arrow."

"You don't have a bow and arrow either," Scott reminded him.

"Or a rock and a slingshot...or my hands..."

"Okay," Scott admitted, "now you're starting to creep me out."


End file.
